Solo acoustic artist demands audience stops talking.

Charles Murphy, a solo acoustic singer/songwriter from Hull, stopped mid-song during a set at The Stapler pub in the city last Sunday night, demanding that members of the audience stopped talking.

Addressing the audience of 34 people, Mr Murphy said: "Can those of you talking just shut up please? This is difficult enough without having to sing over people talking."

Scott Craven, one of the audience members who was talking to friends at the time, and believes he may have some part in inspiring the interruption, commented afterwards: "What a knob. What's that prick's name again? Charles Murphy? Well he can fuck right off now. I was indifferent to him before, but now I specifically dislike him and I'll definitely be avoiding any gigs where I see him listed."

Mr. Craven continued to elaborate: "I didn't go to the gig to see Charles Murphy. I was there to support my friend, Steve Queen, who was also on the bill. I was there chatting with a few people I hadn't seen since Steve's last gig, and catching up with them. Y'know, what people do in a pub? If that bell end is so insistent on peace and quiet when he plays, maybe he should stick to his bedroom, rather than demanding that everybody shuts up and listens to him in a pub, where people go to chat?"

Conversely, Mr. Murphy's acquaintance, Edmund Johnson, declared "Charlie was dead right to tell them to shut up. Bunch of arseholes. He sings from his heart, and it's important to be quiet and listen to the lyrics to really understand it." Mr. Johnson then fantasised about licking his friend's balls red raw, in awe of knowing a real musician.

Following the gig, Mr. Murphy took to the hub of unsigned music communications, Facebook, where he thanked those who came to his gig in one sentence, before launching into three paragraphs focused on those who were talking. The post received seven likes, and a comment from Mr. Johnson saying "Welldun m8. You was deadrite!!!!" Mr. Murphy replied to Mr. Johnson's comment, thanking him, and providing another two paragraphs whining about his feelings.

Since the incident, Mr. Murphy's music career has gone absolutely nowhere.

Indie rock band play three songs in half hour set.

Brighton indie rock band, The Hutmegz, recently completed a half hour set that only included three songs.

Each song only lasted between two and a half and three and a half minutes, whilst the rest of the set was spent begging the audience of 14 people to give them a 'like' on favoured social media network, Facebook.

Despite the venue only measuring 20 foot by 15 foot, and the audience comprising friends, family, the barman and the sound engineer, lead singer, Simon Cassidy, insisted on reiterating the need for them to 'like' The Hutmegz's Facebook page "to keep up with the latest news from the band, as well as forthcoming gigs" for people who might not be familiar with them, such as the other bands and the friends and family they had brought, who were all at the venue's other bar or outside smoking.

Cassidy clarified: "If we don't get as many 'likes' as possible on Facebook, I mean, what's the fucking point of even being in a band? It's really important for marketing because of how everybody else is doing it."

Whilst some time was given to other social media platforms such as Twitter, which automatically updates from their Facebook page, and Instagram,for pictures and short videos of the band for you to not really look at as you scroll past, Facebook was by far the priority.

Cassidy's relentless begging like a pathetic fucking idiot trying to validate his band's existence by whining at people to click or tap that precious 'Like' button was not completely in vain, as the morning after the gig The Hutmegz's Facebook page had achieved two new likes: one from a person who mistook them for a band from Portsmouth called The Nutmegs, and another who stated that other visitors to the page would not believe how much money they earned from home.

Band and their girlfriends left furious following terrible sound at gig.

Lettuce Sandwich, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne could not have been any more angry following their gig last Saturday night at Wet Willy's, when their girlfriends told them how terrible the sound was from the audience.

The band's bassist, who shall remain anonymous because nobody cares enough to find out his name, said "We showed up half an hour before our set - what more do people want? Like, we didn't soundcheck because..."

The remainder of that quote shall remain unknown, as all listeners could hear was "Whiney whiney blah blah blah."

When the band and their girlfriends had given the promoter and the sound engineer a piece of their mind regarding the poor quality of Lettuce Sandwich's sound, both the promoter and the sound engineer left the venue. The promoter went home and settled in front of an episode of Baywatch, with a nice mug of tea and two chocolate digestives, whilst the sound engineer met friends for pints before going to a late club, going back to somebody's flat to smoke some weed, and got the first bus home via McDonalds.

On Sunday morning, Lettuce Sandwich took to respected social media network, Facebook, where they posted the following status:

"WARNING!!! Stay away frm Wett Willys!! Playd ther lst nite and sound was SHIT! Pormoter an eng dint give a shit just left after keep away!!!"

The post received five likes: two from members of the band; two from girlfriends of band members; and one from their friend, "Dave Whoppercock Legend" who was unable to attend the gig. Dave also left the only comment on the status, saying: "Sounds like it woz a shit 1 m8! Wot a bunch of nobs."

"Nobody ever goes to gigs anymore" claims shit band.

A shit unsigned band from Birmingham in the UK are claiming that nobody goes to gigs.

The punk band, called The Telephones, practice out of an alley way in the second city's creative district of Digbeth, and have expressed their frustration at the failure of anybody to come to their gigs.

Frontman, John Smith, says "It's just so unfair. I mean, we practice once a week for a couple of hours and we have a bunch of songs. It's like nobody even cares."

When it was pointed out that other unsigned bands can play to up to 30 people, Mr. Smith described it as a fluke, and definitely nothing to do with other bands practising more, being more committed and making sure the songs are actually good.

At a recent gig, the barmaid was overheard noting of the band: "They're shit. Look - they couldn't even get their mums to come to their gig!"

Mr. Smith refuted such allegations, declaring: "That's just bollocks. Nobody goes to gigs anymore."